My last social post was in March last year. It was titled ‘Emotional Seasons’ and, as with all my posts, I write only about where I find myself within that moment in time.
It’s now January 2024 and since that post I have undergone 10 of the most difficult and void months in my life. Within this time I have found myself trapped in-between seasons and despite all my self-knowledge, I have been unable to produce a shift from this enduring Winter into the Spring. My life, within this time period, has produced no evidence of renewal or rebirth nor has there been any change from the mornings’ iced kiss of Winter to that of the promising warmth of Spring.
Something was going on within me that I was not familiar with – and I did not like it.
The only way I was able to word this experience and new reality, to the very worried few was, “I know only that I have come to an end of myself”.
I honestly knew only that sentence to be true; it was a deep hollow feeling that left no room for interpretation. The identity of Richard, and all that he ever was, no longer existed. The emerging version was foreign and the questions he demanded answers to about life and purpose, I could not answer. So, I shut down – totally! I stopped talking, caring, calling or answering. I reacted, retracted, reversed and recoiled.
All I had ever come to believe was totally overshadowed and with it, all memory of any Summer ever remembered, died to it.
So I searched, I begged, I asked, I read and wrote more in the pursuit of finding myself again than I have done in years. Each word, within its structure, was in vain as none had the strength to ‘click me back’ into any familiar sense of purpose.
Within my search for answers, I read the works of various existential philosophers and, while impressed with their collective wisdom, I was disappointed at their common solution – all paths led to me. Was this combined wealth of knowledge and wisdom not enough for me to change course? Absolutely not! I would not! I could not! So, I returned to face the blizzard and all the giants it contained.
Within the magnitude of the implosion of all I had known as Richard, I became deaf to the voice of life which had asked me to change alongside it not fight against it. Was I that scared of the unknown and the journey of discovery through it?
If you’re reading this and wondering if you might also be trapped in the Winter of life, stop for a second and connect to how your shoulders feel? Are they tight? Sore neck, a wondering restless mind that reminds you it exists through its pounding? Feeling somewhat lost but have no reason to be, frustrated and beaten by self-condemnation more than ever? Yeah, hi.
Have we been trying to find a ‘fit’ for a size 9 in a size 7? The intention is always pure but try, try, try as you may, trying to fit into a comfortable, non-descriptive purpose verses charting the course in finding your very own purpose, are two very different stories and two opposite roles.
One is active, aggressive and desperate and motivated by fear while the other is passive, quiet and forgiving and motivated by curiosity.
I admit I’m not very familiar with the latter as life has mostly felt like a fight but, perhaps, within this realisation lay a key and a clue? Over the past 10 months had I tried to discover new purpose from curiously listening to hope and humility or, had I focussed more on fear as I tried desperately to calm it by forcing myself to find a fit in purpose that was never mine?
Would I loan this emerging version of Richard a mustard seed measure of faith, or would I continue to allow fear to keep him on trial and within tribulation?
Would I humble myself enough to respect Winter’s wisdom by acknowledging that within fear humility is often formed? Could I see that, within the breakdown of identity and in the feeling of failure, I allowed all sense of self pride to fall at the feet of my humanity and in doing so have permitted a space for a breakthrough to birth?
Am I battle weary enough to accept that my new purpose is yet to be revealed and aligning it with an existing one, which is not authentically mine, would continuously leave me empty and searching?
If I truly give myself permission to submit to all I was not, would I hear the soft beat of Spring’s gentle pulse amongst the gale winds? Yes, I’m still in this season and, yes, I am still living within the cold, but yesterday something else stirred in the heavens once more. It too was something that I was not familiar with.
In the face of these odds, I turned to my Creator and asked, “Lord, please can I finally remove this scarf and Winter jacket?” And He answered,
“Richard, when you, without doubt, realise Whose you are you will understand who you are. Seasons shape form and lay foundations for your transcendence into the purpose of who I created you to become not for who you see yourself to be.”
The size of a mustard seed? Finding humility within my humanity?
Is my lack of faith so large that it shades the hope of tomorrow or, is Grace so large that within all seasons, God becomes the gap between where our trials begin to where our humanity and mortal ability ends?
Within this mystery, I’ll get up again and face another day. Within the fight, we mustn’t forget that breakthroughs are birthed within breakdowns, never outside of them. So, despite how we may feel we can only but get up again to face what we must to allow our new form to be found. A time will come, within this very space of the struggle, where new breath will first be breathed and we will watch our once bleeding wounds become scars. In our future, should we encounter another Winter which refuses to bend, we can run our fingers along these hard-won scars as we step back onto the battlefield, but this time with confidence as warriors.
Excerpt from my upcoming book, ‘The Unravelling’.
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